Pulsatilla The Hun
At popular request, I will pen some homeopathic Materia Medica, and this first essay is on behaviour problems and childhood tantrums.
The main remedies of childhood ANGER are well known - anacardium, arsenicum, belladonna, carcinosin, chamomilla, cina, hyoscymus, lachesis, medhorrhinum, nux vomica, phosporus, pulsatilla, silica, staphysagria, stramonium, tarentula, tuberculinum, veratrum album - just to name a few - and these are all remedies that are also found under the rubric FEAR.
The most important thing to remember here is that boundary strategies are most effective in treating long term behaviour problems, and the TV is full of programmes teaching such parenting skills at the moment.
If necessary, the parents, carers or guardians must get to grips with their own behaviour first, because we all copy most of our behaviour from the people around us.
If there are serious social problems in the family, then these must be attended to. This is the most common cause for behaviour disturbance, and as a society we are all responsible here.
It is vital that we understand what constitutes ‘good enough parenting’ and all children and indeed adults, should be living in a safe environment.
Assuming that the child is receiving ‘good enough parenting’, and that the social circumstances are satisfactory, what then can parents, carers and guardians do if their child continues to have tantrums?
IS THE CHILD ILL? - Behaviour often goes out of the window if the child is spoiling for a childhood illness, eg measles, chicken pox etc. This will become abundantly clear within a few days anyway, but it is a wise question to ask if the child is normally well behaved.
IS THE CHILD UPSET? - Has something happened to distrub the child that the adults have not taken adequate account of? Sit down and think about this before you start asking the child too many questions and upsetting them. Have they been trying to tell you something lately that you dismissed because you were too busy or distracted? Don’t ask leading or direct questions, try and get the child to tell you a story about the last few days or weeks. If the child is preverbal, go over the last few days or weeks yourself and try and pin down when the behaviour started. With older children, ask yourself when it started before you jump to conclusions. If you know why the child is upset, then put it right by discussion and reassurance. If you need expert help with this, then go and get it.
IS THE CHILD JEALOUS? My mother was one of seven children, and her mother took each of her children to one side and privately told them they were her favourite. They all knew that she had done the same to all the other children in the family, but it still worked! NEVER have favourites in the family though! Children will pick this up so very quickly and this sort of favouritism is extremely corrosive. I am frequently upset to hear that children are rewarded for being nice, being spoiled one minute and denied the next if they are naughty. LOVE IS! This is a simple fact. You may not like your child’s behaviour, but you need to tell your child that you will always love them, but that you will not hesitate from discipline, which is actually a demonstration of love. Discipline is not physical punishment or verbal abuse, nor the withdrawing of love. It is setting boundaries that the child can feel safe within. Such boundaries will also make the adults and other family members feel safe too!
IS THE CHILD FURIOUS? Fury is a natural response to being upset. However, it is often subsumed into fear or distress. Anger can be a dangerous emotion and is often the main underlying cause for behaviour disruption, but it can rarely be shown in its true essence. Society and families will not allow anger because it is destructive, and this rarely solves anything. Like fire, it is a good servant but a very poor master (or mistress). However, anger can be dealt with by using boundaries in the usual way. Children (and adults) need to understand that there are multiple boundaries around the expression of anger because it is necessary to transmute anger into positive action. Raw anger never achives its desired effect. It just makes things so very much worse. As always, try and discover the cause of the anger and deal with the underlying issues. Self harm and threats of suicide often mask fury which is impotent. It is important to understand the vulnerable fear that underpins such behaviour.
IS THE CHILD BEING BULLIED AT SCHOOL? This may well cause disturbed behaviour at home and must be dealt with immediately. Go and see your doctor and the teacher and the head of the school, and if necessary go and tell the police. Do not accept anything but the total resolution of such a situation. The child who is being bullied may also be a child who is doing the bullying. Both situations must be dealt with with calm compassion and understanding.
IS THE CHILD VERBALLY OR PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE? Verbal abuse is not acceptable either way and physical abuse is never acceptable in any form. If you cannot deal with this yourself, then seek professional help. If any adult is being verbally abusive to the child, or if the child is being verbally abusive within the family, then boundaries must be brought into play to transform the situation immediately. Issuing threats will never sort out this situation, so remember to remain calm and try and get to the bottom of the situation. Has the child seen verbal abuse or threats used, either in real life or on the TV? Has an adult used verbal abuse or threats towards the child?
I hope that the reasons for your children’s tantrums or behaviour disturbance are not as severe as the instances listed above, and that simple common sense measures will alleviate the situation. Never be afraid to ask for help.
